I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
My disapointment is making my balls hurt :(
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
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