Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
Randomize
