Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
just had a memory of me telling homeless mark that it was the year of the bunny and he said "you da bunny, girl"
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
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