Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
They wear helmets and mouth pieces when they drink...u down?
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
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