it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
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