I would fuck her until my dick fell off. then i would fuck her with your dick.
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
Randomize
