She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
omg his dad is hot
... I'm currently away at the moment. Leave a msg since I cannot express how much I can't help you stop ruining peoples lives.
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
Randomize
