I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
I've had that scene from "Parenthood" where Rick Moranis' character is singing "Close To You" to his wife in classroom, stuck in my head all morning.
I guess my mind is just wondering whatever happened to Rick Mornais.
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
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