Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
all i remember is that her bootyshorts said 'shameless' and that there was no turning back.
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
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