She acts like you when your on meds
She acts like batman?
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
Drunk is not a location!
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Randomize
