We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
this speak and spell drinking game will be the death of us all.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
Randomize
