Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
I ate you ate to the whole david gray album
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Randomize
