I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
I assume you are not resopnding because you are having sex thus i give you a text message high five
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
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