I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
Okay so as of now, we may either be coming for one night, two nights, or not at all this weekend. It depends on Laura's toe and if I get my period. Will explain later
Randomize
