"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
so i turned around to do some reverse cowgirl when he said that this was such a better visual for him. Bad compliment or serious insult. i cant tell
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
My orgasm happened in two different decades
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