In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
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