Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
Funny thing- my attraction to each one is inversely proportional to his level of availability.
I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
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