made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
These guys are walking up and down the hallway yelling, "Yo, is this the floor with the unisex bathroom?"
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
I'm turning into an adult here.
Adults touch each other's special zones.
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
Randomize
