I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Randomize
