I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
Its like common courtesy of dating, the guy pays for the weed, just like dinner
why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
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