Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
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