Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
Jus posted an album so big that it takes my manhood into question
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
Just boned her on my desk. on top of my term paper. take that professor dipshit
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