Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
normally i'm against accepting campers on facebook but this one saw me giving head to another counselor and didn't say shit about it to my boss so i feel like shes earned the right to look at my sloppy drunk pictures
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
Randomize
