She went from zero to smokin in five shots
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
well judging by the amount of dired blood around my nipple rings i'm gonna assume it was a good night
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
