Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
Gordon Ramsey's restaurant in NY is $150 each for the chef's menu
So you're taking me there this weekend?
oh, looks like he just opened a new restaurant right by us- it's called "McDonald's". Must be scottish food.
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
I just had sex on a roof
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
