your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
OPIZZABONMYDICK
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
Well I woke up naked, with a santa hat on, and a bag of beef jerky next to me. So yeah, I would say it was a pretty successful trolley
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
Randomize
