If that was your dad, he is hot
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
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