there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize
