Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
I'm glad you had fun with your genitals.
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
Randomize
