theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
