Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
His mom finally got over her shame and smoked a bowl with us. Merry Christmas to all aka me.
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
