and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
So question... If I'm sexting with uncircumcised guy, do I have to add *then i gently pull your foreskin down*?
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
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