I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
I can see. My condolences to your vagina.
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