I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize
