i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
