I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
Randomize