fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
I just recommended that the library purchase the first major hentai with tentacle porn. Really, I'm doing everyone a favor.
Randomize
