plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
Randomize
