Bring booze and chicks. Separate, or one already in the other. Your call.
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
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