im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
champagne bombs. Yes, i think that is where things may have gotten out of control.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
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