My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
Randomize
