I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
Randomize