Dude my mom stole all your condoms
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
i'm at the gym and so are four guys who have seen my tits. i need winter break.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
He called me Kitten either just because or he figured out my old s&m life. Either way huge turn on.
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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