Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
I'm like, not good at living.
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
Randomize
