I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
New channing tatum movie.
I'll bring my vibrator.
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
We stopped her at 12
12 shots? Or 12 midnight?
Which answer would freak you out less
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
A bitchslap is in order.
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
Randomize
