I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
This is my gift to your gina
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
I figured if he was OK cheating on his gf with a guy, he'd be OK with me posting his number to m4m Craigslist Ads
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
just went home with a guy that made fun of me in elementary school. this blow job is not going well for him.
Randomize
