I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
& he told me 'I don't think ur a big slut-just kind of an average slut'
HE THINKS THATS A COMPLIMENT!!!!!
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
Randomize
