Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
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