Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
and pubic hair rears its ugly head again
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
bio was interesting today. swabbed my mouth to see what the cells where, ha. found a sperm cell. he was just that awesome
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
Randomize
