Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
Randomize
