no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
Last nights hook up turn into a star wars history lesson.. He's luck y he's pretty..
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Randomize
