dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
Weird question, would you want to do fetish porn? you get paid.
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
Last night dinner was cinnamon buns and whiskey. At least tonight I had a fajita with my cookies and tequila. I may be a little stressed about these end of semester tests.
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize
