I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
the threesome consisted of him fingering dana while i laid next to them watching how i met your mother.
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
My breath smells like gin and sadness
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
Randomize
