if you could put a roof over IU campus it would be the biggest whorehouse in the nation
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
Randomize
