I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
I hope im prettier
yea, just so you know this whole self-loathing thing is getting pretty fucking annoying
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
Going to a jewelry store high is not a good idea. I look like mr.t's wife.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
Randomize
