the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
I just recommended that the library purchase the first major hentai with tentacle porn. Really, I'm doing everyone a favor.
Randomize
