I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
Randomize
