hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
I'm still hoping for it dude. Random north dakota pussy. If my 16 year old self knew that these were my dreams he would so try to beat me up, and i think he could.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
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