Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
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