Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
At a St Pats house party. Just raised $110 for two short chicks to crawl into a dog cage together. Video forthcoming. Respect.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
someone who i have in my phone as thundercock just said he was DTF
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
BOOTY CALL IN EFFECT, BOOTY CALL IN PROCESS, BOOTY CALL ACCEPTED, AND BOOTY CALL INITIATES FRIDAY NIGHT.
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
I deserve this hangover.
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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